Silent Whisper

Finally, the dress I orderd two months ago has arrived. It's always sad when it doesn't fit aswell, or look as good as it did on the model on the picture, but I like it well enough. But the nicer the dress, the harder it is to shine equally bright. Had one of those episodes when you just feel unavoidably ugly. When you realize that it doesn't matter how many pictures you take, how much make-up you put on, you're still just gonna look like you. Obviously that isn't good enough. So I cleaned off all of my make-up, tied my hair up and put a big sweater and pants on and moped a bit. A few hours later I feel abit more confident again, but it always sucks when you realize you don't look as good as you want to.

Nathalie, charming as ever, always kicks my mood up a notch, and as you can see she really puts some effort.

Anyhow, I've come to terms with myself, and since I obviosly found some pictures from today to upload, I must think they turned out ok. I guess it helps to think you're ugly, and then look at the pictures. You're more likely to be pleasantly surprised that way!

Never let go

I was out shopping with Nathalie, the day was as any other, people crowding, sun shining. She was right there with me, right next to me, never more than a step away. Then suddenly gone. Nowhere to be found. I ran down the streets, looking, asking around. Nowhere to be found. A stranger with a familiar face told me to look in the window a couple of floors up in a grey concrete building.

There she was. Standing in the window, with her tiny little hands on the big glass separating her from the world. Nothing on but a worn out diaper. With an empty, mindless look in her eyes. It had given up, it wasn't there. She wasn't there. I ran, faster then my heart could beat, up, up, up. Opened the door. He was at the back of the room, and I grabbed her, held her. She held her arms around my neck, never leting go. Never again. He was slow, really slow. He couldn't catch up. But I couldn't run, couldn't escape. I screamed, my voice broke into a million pieces.

Then I ran. Met his friend in the stairs, he told me it was too late. He had allready taken what wasn't his to take. It was allready broken. She would never get it back. He had raped her, over and over and over again. Nothing was whole, nothing was left to salvage. A week, that's how long she had been gone. Yet, to me, only a few minutes had past. A week, that's how long he had owned her, mutilated her, taken her from me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't see, couldn't stop. He had left the diaper on, so she wouldn't make a mess on the floor. It was all broken, nothing to hold her inside from coming out. I didn't want to see, didn't want to look.

He had taken her from me. She was nowhere to be found. Lost to the world, an empty look in the most beautiful eyes the world has ever seen. Right there in my arms. Nowhere to be found.



This is what I dreamt, three nights ago. I dreamt it so vividly it could just aswell have been broadcasted on the TV. It all added up, no loose ends, every little detail so perfect, so complete. And I keep seing her in that window, with her hands against the glass. Waiting for me to come. Waiting to be saved, waiting for the end.

The dream was just a dream, but the fear will never let go. The fear is real. It's real. Never let go. Mommy, never let me go.

Drinking and driving

Spent last night with my husband and a friend of ours, eating crap, drinking spritits and watching Eurovision song contest. I had a surprisingly good time, considering the bad entertainment we were offered. Of course the right song didn't win, but it rarely ever does. Turkey and Boznia & Herzegovine (pardon the spelling) were two of the favourites in the sofa. I guess it could be percieved as a good thing that our favourites didn't win. That would say more about or deacaying taste in music than anything else! Haha...

Negrita Lemon Rum, Nacho chips and home made dip was served during the evening.

After waking up, wolfing down a pizza and a few cigarettes and some water I got crafty and decided to mow the lawn along with some poking around in the garden. Gave up after a while since the heat was killing me though. I don't care much for being in the sun, and my allergies won't really allow much of any outdoor activites at this time of year.

A passion flower for our mothers on mothersday.

Nathalie spent the night at grandma's place, and we're just about to go pick her up. I miss her infinitely much, but at the same time it's quite pleasant to wake up whenever you want to in the morning, and pick your own pace during the day.

Off for some mothersday cake and a sunny little three year old with all the love in the world left to spread.

Snapshots

My cherry tree at the corner of the house is in full bloom. It always used to be on my birthday when I was a kid. It wasn't quite on time this year though. Anyhow, it's the ultimate proof of spring and summers arrival to me.

Mephisto was allowed to sniff freedom for a while today, but as you can see he prefered to sniff the flowers.

Two out of three (okey, four) addictions captured in a frame. A cigarette and my golden sign of love for my husband (whom I am addicted to, even though he might not always feel it). The ones missing are, obviously, Nathalie who went to sleep at grandma's housem, and last and probably least: candy.

Give a man a fish, and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and feed him for a lifetime.

... not alot is going on.

When you're raising and loving your child, time seems to stand still. You do the same thing, day in and day out. No room for being spontaneous, being drastic is to buy an ice cream at the store. Then again, I never was much of a spontaneous person before I became a parent either. But knowing you can makes all the difference.

Obviosly, I wouldn't trade this for all the money in the world. Nothing and no one has ever brought so much joy and meaning to my life as she has. Just as any mother or father would say, I guess, but nevertheless it is so.

Took this picture of her today. Tried to get one where she was playing the guitar, but once she saw the camera she had to do some posing. My pride and joy, enjoy.

By the way, you might wonder (I know I am...) what's with the blogging all of a sudden? Well, I figured I waste time on all kinds of crap on the Internet, so why not this? We'll se how long it lasts. I might not have all that much to say.